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She willed herself to not check her phone to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. She hated that she was constantly checking his ‘last seen at’ status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet she couldn’t stop herself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous. And then, just as she sat down in her chair, her phone vibrated. With her heart thudding in her ear, she unlocked her phone and stared at the screen. Finally! It was his message. But when she opened it and read it, she nearly stopped breathing. She didn’t know if he was joking or not. What was this?

Three days before…
They had known each other for almost a year now. She did not know if it was long enough to understand him completely. The only thing she knew was that she was in love with him.

They had met in college through a common friend and somehow their friendship had struck a chord. They started spending a lot of time with each other. They shared their happiness and problems with each other. They remained good friends for a while. They were almost inseparable. But slowly Aruna realized that she was falling for Bharat. For one they had a lot in common and for another he was exactly whom she wanted. She did not know when she started falling for him; but now that the damage was done, there was no looking back. Who could blame her? Bharat was the heart throb of all the girls in their college. He was handsome and played the guitar. His warm personality and cheerful disposition was enough to make girls drool over him.
Aruna had many friends in college but nobody seemed to understand her like Bharat. Aruna was a bit reserved by nature. But with Bharat she opened up and he had made her very comfortable. She had wanted to confess her love for him from a long time. But she had a lot of doubts and insecurities. She did not know if Bharat ever thought of her as more than a friend. Plus she did not know if she was ready for another relationship after a bad breakup with her previous boyfriend. Bharat had never said or done anything to show her that she was more than a friend but then so had she neither. She had always thought about how they would make a perfect couple and how the whole world would be jealous of them. There was also a flip side to it. What if he rejected her? Would it affect their friendship? What would she do without him? Should she put her friendship to risk for the sake of her love for him? She had no answers to these questions. The more she thought, the more complicated it became.

But over the past few months she had started to realize that her feelings for Bharat were genuine. So she had finally decided to do something about it before it was too late. She had wanted to discuss everything with her best friend and her hostel roommate Soumya. Soumya was her best friend in college. They had from the first day shared a special bond. They had never hidden anything from each other and they always had each other’s back. Soumya had even helped Aruna get over her bitter breakup with her previous boyfriend but she had never told Soumya that she loved Bharat. Aruna felt that she was cheating her friend by hiding this from her but she found no other way. Soumya and all of her friends used tease Aruna and Bharat calling them a couple but they had constantly denied anything of that sort between them. This was one of the prime reasons why Aruna had decided not to tell Soumya. Moreover Aruna did not know if Bharat did love her. Only after she was sure would she let anyone know. She did not want this to become the talk of the town.

Aruna could say anything and everything to Bharat yet she did not know how to say this to him. She had slept over this problem and finally decided that it was better if she texted him first since she was afraid of facing him. So she had decided that the time had come to finally tell him about her real feelings.

So that day as usual when they were messaging on Whatsapp, she decided to bring it up.
Aruna: “Bharat, I want to tell you something important.”
Bharat: “Sure; what is it? I am always here for you.”
Aruna: “I don’t know how to tell you this. But it has been on my mind for a long time. I have never been good with words so I will tell you straight away. I am in love with you Bharat.”
She hit the send button with shaking hands. She could hear her heart thumping. She did not know how he would react. She did not even know what he was thinking. She waited for the blue tick to appear which indicated that the message was read. After what seemed like a hundred years, the blue tick showed. She could feel the suspense almost killing her. But to her dismay Bharat immediately went offline.

She waited for a minute, then two minutes and finally an hour. Then she realized that he was not going to come online for a while. She did not know what to do. She tried calling him two times but he did not answer. If only he had told her what was in his mind. The whole night she could not sleep. She kept tossing and turning on her bed thinking about the possible responses from Bharat. She cursed herself for not having told him in person. They at least she could have deduced his response from his actions. Was Bharat angry with her? Is that the reason he is not responding? Did I lose a true friend with my foolishness? A million thoughts raced through her mind. She finally awoke the next day after a sleepless night.
​
One day before…
It had been two days since the incident and he still had not responded. She constantly tried calling him but he did not pick up her calls. She was desperate. The longer he took to reply, the more she was worried about his response. Since they were in their respective homes for vacations she had no way of contacting him.

Back to present…
The message read “I am sorry Aruna. I have always seen you as a good friend but not more. I also have something else to confess. From the past few months I have had a crush on Soumya but she does not know it. I did not know how to tell you all this which is why the delay in my response. I know I have hurt you deeply. I hope you will forgive me for this and remain a good friend to me.”
Aruna read it over and over. Her hands were trembling. She felt like her heart had been split open by a knife. Hot tears rolled down her red cheeks. She was devastated beyond words. She thought of all the beautiful memories with Bharat. Those were the only things left to hold on to. Who knows what would happen from now on. Who knows how their friendship would be hereafter. All her dreams about their future together disappeared in a split second. She did not know what to do anymore. This was what she got after waiting for three days. If this was what he had to say why couldn’t he do it earlier and save her the pain?

Aruna saw Bharat’s picture flashing on the screen of her phone. Bharat was calling her; what for now? Could he have hurt her more than what he had done now? She felt a crushing pain envelope her. The pain was so intense that she was almost numb.

She was too shocked to even move. Things were never going to be the same again between Bharat and her. She had lost her love and she had lost her friend. She switched off her phone. She hugged her pillow and cried herself to sleep. Only sleeping would help erase the pain at least temporarily.

A year and half later…
“Happy one year of togetherness Bharat and Soumya”, said Aruna as she hugged them both. All of Bharat’s and Soumya’s friends had gathered to celebrate their one year of relationship. Soumya looked stunning in her new turquoise dress. She beamed with happiness. Bharat looked handsome like he always did. His happiness could be seen clearly. There was an atmosphere of celebration and warmth. Bharat and Soumya were the ideal couple and was adored and envied by the whole college. Aruna faked a smile and tried to be happy for Soumya but deep inside she knew she would always mourn his loss.

When Bharat had confessed to Aruna that he loved Soumya, he had never anticipated the present turn of events. Aruna took some time to cope with the fact that Bharat could never be the love of her life. But as soon as she did, she realized that what Bharat had for Soumya was in fact true love. So she took the initiative to get Bharat and Soumya together. Aruna was indeed successful in this and she made sure that Soumya would never know about her feelings for Bharat. Aruna had sacrificed her happiness for the happiness of the two people in the world whom she loved the most. She loved Bharat but she wanted to see him happy even if it was not with her.

This time I was alone. I didn’t have Sneha or Ayushi with me. Of course, Aditya was not there. He used to accompany me every week in the train. We lived in the same neighbourhood. But that was history. I was distracted from my thoughts when someone came and sat next to me. He was in his mid-thirties, wearing a blue shirt with earphones plugged in and playing some game on his smart phone. There was nothing to give a second glace.

Once again I turned towards the window. Even then something made me look at him again – his perfume. He was wearing Aditya’s favourite fragrance – Electriqué. It was once my favourite too. But now it gave me a headache or more like heartache. Once again I went back to my train of thoughts about him. I had never before met anyone who wore Electriqué. That was something unique to Adi. It was something that I loved. Throughout the journey I played in my mind all the beautiful memories. I had vowed not to think about him again but Electriqué had a magic of its own.

I finally reached my destination. He was still sitting next to me. It was time to part with the aura of Electriqué. I got off the train and walked a few steps. Suddenly two people who walked past me caught my attention. That was Adi and Keerthy! They had also got off the same train. Why hadn’t she told me she was coming? I had a million questions running in my mind. As I was still looking at them walking a few metres ahead of me, Adi turned back. For a fraction of a second, our gazes met. Normally the very sight of him would bring butterflies to my stomach; even after we were no longer together. But today I didn’t feel that. I turned my gaze away and so did he. I felt like I was let free from something that had chained me down all this time. My heart, felt lighter. I realized that it was over.

How do you know when it’s over?
Maybe it’s when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you …

     For the hundredth time that day, I looked at my phone. No, no calls, no texts, no Facebook messages, no Whatsapp messages, no Hike messages, nothing! It had been straight four days with absolutely no contact whatsoever. But of course that did not stop me from checking my phone. Neither did it make me think that he might also have been thinking the same.

No I will not message him first or call him first or apologise to him. He was the one who started this fight and I was not going to let my ego lose. I was upset though I would not show it. I will act like everything is fine and smile all day long to show everyone that I was okay but deep within, it was not what I wanted. I haven’t been able to do anything without thinking about him. I couldn’t read, write, watch a movie or do anything without thinking about it at the back of my mind. It was just haunting. I just couldn’t concentrate on anything.

I could lie to everyone around me, put up a fake smile and fool everyone around me, but at the end of the day one cannot lie to oneself. I felt incomplete without him. It was as if all the happiness had been sucked out of me by a dementor. But my pride remained and I refused to hurt it.

For the umpteenth time, I replayed our fight over the phone that night.

“Arey why can’t you understand Anirudh that I was busy!”

“What busy?! You were so busy that you can’t just leave a reply to my message?! I am just jobless here right? Is that why I message you?”

“ No Anirudh, I didn’t mean that.”

“Then what Neha? What did you mean? Even I am busy. I have things to attend but I don’t do this stupid excuse of being busy!”

“It is not an excuse.”

“Please Neha, I am fed up of your excuses. If you are not interested in talking to me, just say that!”

“Okay fine Anirudh! Don’t believe me. Think whatever you please! I am not going to try convincing you. Bye!”

“Don’t disturb me again.Bye!”

And we both had slammed our phones. Yes, the matter was silly but when emotions take control of you, you lose the ability to think clearly. You get clouded by your anger and bound by your ego and pride to do anything sensible. The same had happened to us. Except; it has been four long days.

Four days without his cute good morning texts, late night talks with him, meetings at the mall or coffee shop and all the endless list of things. How I longed to see that smile of his which could make me melt; his voice which made any word sound beautiful. Basically; I missed him. I didn’t know what to do. Like everyone else, we have had our fair share of fights and arguments but none had lasted this long. We had never been able to stop talking to each other for so long. What happened to our relationship? The mere thought of losing him breaks my heart. No matter what he did or how angry I was or how much we fought, I still loved him and isn’t that what mattered?

My phone suddenly broke into the familiar ringtone breaking my profound chain of thoughts. Finally he was tired of missing me I thought. I instantly grabbed my phone in ecstasy. Oh how wrong I was. It was not Anirudh. Even the last ray of hope in me faded. It was from his best friend Trun. I wonder what he wants now. I was not in a mood to talk. I decided to ignore the call. But then surprisingly he called again. This time I picked up the call.

“Hello Tarun”, I spoke making no effort to hide the irritation in my voice.

“Neha….” I sensed a kind of urgency in his voice.

“What happened Tarun?  Are you alright?”, I instantly forgot that I was irritated my his untimely call.

“I…I…that…”, it was almost as if he was crying.

“Tarun please! Just tell me what happened!”

“Ani and I, we were both going on my bike and we met with an accident. I was saved miraculously with just a few minor injuries but he…he is in coma…”, and he broke into a sob.

I needed to hear no more. I felt the world around me spin. I felt as if time had frozen. Was I dreaming? Hot tears flowed down my cheeks. How I wished this was all part of a nightmare. But no it was as real as the daylight.

At that very instant my phone rang again. I thought it was Tarun again but it was Ani. What??!! Wasn’t Ani in the hospital? In all the confusion I picked up the phone and barely managed to say a Hello.

“Neha…”, there was Ani’s sweet voice. I couldn’t believe my ears.

“Ani, where are you? I am sorry I love you. I really do. Please don’t leave me.”

“Neha I love you too.”

“Ani where are you? Are you alright?”

“I am at my friend’s home. Why do you sound so alarmed? Did Tarun call you?”

“Oh my God I am so relieved! Yes Tarun had called me and told me that you had met with an accident. I was so worried. Thank God you’re safe.”

“I knew it! He had called me too a few minutes back and told me you were in the hospital. But I smelled a rat which is why I called you up immediately. It was his trick to resolve our fight.”

“I am sorry Ani.  I realize my mistake.”

“I am sorry too. There is mistake on my part too. I love you.”

“Let’s call up Tarun. We owe him on this one.”

We called him up and thanked him for the clever ruse. The very next day we surprised him with a treat.

      He was my best friend; my everything. Today I am going to see him after many years. Yet all the memories are fresh in my mind like it all happened yesterday. We were going to meet for lunch at Regal Hotel.

As I got ready for our meeting, something on my dressing table caught my attention – a birthday gift from him, which I had treasured. Yes, my world was filled with his memories though it had been a while since we had met or even spoken on the phone. I had one last look at the mirror just to make sure I looked perfect.

This meeting had come as a big surprise. After college we both had gone our ways. Initially we kept each other up-to-date on our lives both then after a while we drifted apart. We did Whatsapp each other every now and then but somehow things were not like before.

I wasn’t in a mood to drive so I decided to take a cab. As I sat in the cab looking outside, my mind wandered into the past. We had met during our high school years – Varun and I. Since then we had been best friends. When we got into the same college our friendship only grew stronger. He knew everything about be and the other way round too. He was the first one to help me if I was in trouble. Though I had so many friends, he had a place unrivalled. He was perfect in every way – tall, fair, good-looking and above all a gentleman. Moreover he danced, played the guitar and played cricket too. What more was needed to make him the heartthrob of all the girls in college? But he made sure I received enough attention and never did I feel left out.

Life was perfect until the disastrous day when I realized something – that I was slowly falling in love with him. Yes you read that right! Now this was not something I wanted but it was beyond my control. I tried telling myself that I was just stupid to think like that but over time I knew what this was coming to. I knew Varun never saw me like that. We were best friends and just that. Nothing more. But then it became harder with each passing day. I found it impossible to stop thinking about him I guess it started to affect our relationship. I seemed to be avoiding him more than necessary and then the dreaded thing happened – Varun decided to clear this mess. He went into a lot of trouble trying to figure out what was it that was troubling me but I never dropped even a hint. I was afraid he might be angry or even worse – he would leave me; forever.

I tried my best to be the old me – the Megha who was Varun’s best friend but as much as I tried, I failed miserably. I needed to do something; and soon – it was impossible to continue to be his best friend. I finally decided to tell him. I didn’t know what would happen to our friendship but all I knew was that I had to let him know. Maybe being honest was better. But the more I thought of it the more nervous I was. Our friends had always teased us that we were love birds but we had laughed them off. How could I after all that think like this?

It took me all the courage in the world to call him up and tell him that I wanted to meet him after class to discuss something really important. He was really happy because he had been quite upset that we both were seeing less of each other. But it turned out that I just couldn’t get it out to him. But then our relationship slowly started to get back to normal. It was painful beyond explanation to be completely normal in front of him when all I wanted was to let him know the truth. But all through the college years, I kept it from him afraid of losing him.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of my message alert tone. It was a Whatsapp message from Varun. Wow, what timing; he will live to see a hundred years. Excited, I picked up my phone and read the message. I said “Sorry Megha I can’t make it today. Let’s meet next time.”

For a minute the world stopped for me. I didn’t know what to do next. I tried calling him but his phone was switched off. He had called off this meeting in the last minute that too with a Whatsapp message? What could have been more important than meeting your best friend after years? This was not the Varun I knew. But then it would be long before I knew the answers to these questions. I asked the cab driver to drop me back. As I entered my house, I could feel his birthday gift staring at me and a tear rolled down my cheek.

“Certain people can remain in your heart but not in your life…”

         

        I was sitting cross-legged on the orange chairs in the lounge of the International Terminal of the Kochi International Airport waiting for my boarding call; with my earphones on when she came. I don’t know why anyone would have approached me at that time. Somehow I thought people would consider it as attitude – not like I had that on my mind but thats the impression most people get. But she scanned the crowd, spotted me and came right upto me – ‘oru thattam itta monjathi.’ She seemed a little lost but she smiled at me so I returned the smile. I thought she looked the same age or maybe she was younger. She sat on the chair next to me. She asked me about the procedures for boarding and other details. I told her everything. So she also decided to wait next to me. We talked a bit. I asked her which school she was in. She laughed and said she was in college that too second year. I was thoroughly embarassed. We talked a bit more and shared a few jokes. We went to the Duty-Free shop and bought chocolates and shared them too. Somehow I was thankful to Almighty for showing me someone who would kill the boredom and keep away loneliness. She seemed to be going to Sharjah on a vacation for few days.

Finally our call came for boarding. We took our things and waited in the queue for our turn. I just wondered – maybe, just ‘maybe’ if we might get seats in the same row. But as fate would have it, no we didn’t. I was a little disappointed because I had imagined the fun I would have had if we had been together. Now I will have to entertain myself. we finally entered the plane. her seat was in the rear end while mine was next to the wings. We both exchanged a final smile before we sat in our respective seats.

     We landed at the Sharjah International Airport on time. While we were getting off the flight, I waited for her to come. But I couldn’t find her. I waited till the last of the passenger got out. Noe that was weird. How could I have missed her? Even if I did she would surely have spotted me right? I was a little hurt by this.

I went to the immigration clearance desk. I realised that I was late and so I was the last one in the long queue. I stood there and scanned all the people who stood there but I still  did not find her. I never found out where she went. Her name was a little difficult one so I forgot and we never exchanged numbers or facebook names. So I could never find her. But I will always be thankful to her for being such a good friend even if it was for such a short time.

“Good friends are like stars; even if you don’t see them you know they are there.”

Do you know how the streets glimmer in the moonlight?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Have you watched the stars shimmer while lying on the cool grass?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Have you walked through the empty beach under the serene night sky?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Have you enjoyed the tranquility of the sea after sunset?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Have you felt the silence of the streets at night enliven your soul?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Do you know that there are people and places that do not sleep at night?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

Do you know that the nights are as beautiful as the mornings, or even more?
No, I am a girl
The nights are forbidden to me

I am a girl
The nights are always forbidden to me.

You went without a word
Never did look back
The lament for you unheard
Didn’t heed my voice crack

Did you hear?
The consistent wail
No I fear
Then you wouldn’t fail

Waited till
Forbearance, desire, temper
All adrift in time so still
Fragmented like a fallen mirror

If only once
You had turned
At least to steal a glance
But alas it was never returned

When at last
Even the last streak faded
Sparks lost
Leaves etiolated

I turned
Walked away
Never cared
Hopes astray

But then you turned
A moment too late
Vagueness prevailed
Only a fable desolate.